I Remember

As my thoughts turned to Dani last night, I realized that I remember a lot that I haven't written down.

I remember the feeling of joy I felt when I met with Dr. Cameron Anderson for the first time and discovered that I was not only having one baby but two!

I remember the agony of the doctor at UVRMC who came in to tell me that there was something wrong with one of the twins and there was nothing he could do to fix it. His hair was all roughed up and I could see the anguish on his face and knew it was a message he didn't want to have to give me.

I remember going to the U of U Hospital for an MRI to make sure that there was nothing they could do for Dani and having the technicians ask me what music I wanted to listen to while I was in the tube. I asked for Yo Yo Ma. They looked at me incredulously and I realized why when the music I heard was rap music that included the words, "yo yo ma." Sweet, silly U of U technicians hadn't even heard of the cellist before. I remember Bobby sitting with me as we watched out babies through ultrasound later that day. They caught Alex peeing. And thank goodness for her because she made it possible through that act for Dani to live. Without the amniotic fluid created by the transaction of food through the umbilical cord to Alex and her expelling it, Dani would not have made it.

I remember ordering a heart monitor so that I could check at least once a day to make sure that I heard two distinct heart beats.

I remember the lack of hesitation that my boss and co-workers had when they said that whatever I needed as far as time off would be given.

I remember going into the hospital at 26 weeks, being so grateful that I had made it that far. My very first nurse was someone that Valarie recognized but I didn't know from Adam - Tammy Mason. What a surprise it was to me that she was our neighbor and in our ward! She was able to be my nurse every time she worked during my entire stay.

I remember having the heart monitors on my belly for both babies nearly 23 hours a day, every day. Sometimes they would have trouble finding one of the babies, so they'd bring in the ultrasound machine. Those were moments of great fear for me. A couple of times they had me lay on my side and breathe straight oxygen. I remember calling Christine late at night one of those times. I was so grateful to hear her voice and so glad to have her assurance that all would be well.

I remember all the nurses and their extraordinary love, friendship and care.

I remember some wonderful people coming to visit me. Valerie Massey introduced me to Mrs. Pollifax with a couple of books from her home library for me to read; Marla Raff brought me a copy of The Continuous Atonement;Tami Staheli came and talked with me about her recent loss and my upcoming one; Britney Nielsen came always with lovely treats, news from home and took such great care of Valarie and Bobby; Lupe and her mother unexpectedly came and brought flowers and balloons; Bishop and Christa Bushman came with Brother and Sister Adams; Susan and Gary came with a precious blanket for Dani; Susan Jensen came with presents galore for the babies that she had made; my step-daughters threw me a baby shower with tons of presents for the girls and VaNiella Squared cupcakes from the Sweet Tooth Fairy; Emily opened her mission call in my hospital room!; Becky made the most darling blanket and socks and hat - she and Greg came a couple of times to see me; Bryan Chamberlain came and discussed work and the babies; Georgia and Randy came a couple of times - always wondering where Bobby was - they were like ships passing in the night, always missing each other; when Candace and Tim would come, I remember that Cambree and Colin were a bit wild and it would stress her out pretty bad - one time they came without them because of that; Jer and Clysti came with their kids and brought me treats; Eldon and Judy and their daughters came - with treats!; on Sunday, a wonderful couple would come and bring me the Sacrament and leave me a spiritual thought or scripture; volunteer ladies who had stayed in the hospital with their pregnancies came and offered assurances and told their stories and let me choose activity books or magazines; Heather and Marilyn would come and see me and encourage me; Juliann Bott Beardall (my old neighbor from the 671 house - who had her first baby right after I had mine) came and told me of her Remington and his progress.

I remember the weight falling off of Bobby as he struggled to keep the house and yard together and take care of Valarie and make it to the hospital as often as he could.

I remember the trepidation that we all had the morning of the birth of the twins.  I remember receiving a blessing from Bishop Kline and Dr. Anderson assisted. I don't really remember what he said but I remember that I felt peace because of it.

I remember the sweet feeling of holding my babies together and feeling their love.

I remember how wonderful it was to have Dani and Alex be together in the same bed. They couldn't keep their hands off each other's faces. Oh, how they loved each other!

I remember the sweet loving hopeful faces that looked in through the window of the NICU.

I remember the grapes that Bobby brought from home, the food that Heather brought.

I remember the sweet doctors who agreed to let me stay in the sleep room down the hall from the NICU for no charge until Dani left us.

I remember Candace asking me if the doctors were sure that there was nothing they could do for Dani. I remember the pain of having to tell her that yes, they were sure.

I remember the agony of watching Dani slip away and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I remember wanting to spend every possible moment I could with both babies together. Because of this, I would barely sleep at night - just a couple of hours at a time. I had to know what was happening with the babies. I would wake up, quickly shower, dress and not even worry about drying my hair. What did it matter compared to spending time with my girls?

I remember the panic that I felt when I saw the life go out of Dani and she turned so dark. Bobby wasn't there! I needed him to be there when she died! The nurse recommended gliding my finger up the back of Dani's spine. It worked! She came back! I was so relieved. Then, later that night when her oxygen levels were down again, I was sure it was the end and so was the doctor. Juliann was there with Remi and saw that I had no one else with me so she offered to stay with me. She stayed for a while but then had to go. The doctor and I stayed up all night thinking it was the end. It wasn't. She still had fight left in her but I realized that I had to let her go. I was holding on to her so tightly that she refused to go.

I remember that Bobby was concerned that I spent too much time in the hospital. He made me go with him for a walk down by the Provo River. We received a call while we were down there to come back, it was time. When we got to the hospital, Bobby dropped me off at the front door so I could get to Dani while he parked. I got there and she was fine again. Bobby made it up to the NICU and he held her for the last time and then gave her back to me. I had her on a pillow on my lap. I knew that if I touched her, she would stay. It was everything I could do to not touch her. In those next few short moments, she left us, a little after 2 in the afternoon on Friday, September 11, 2009.

I remember how unnatural leaving her felt but I didn't know what else to do.

I remember going to the funeral home the next Monday to dress Dani for burial. The funeral director felt it necessary to prepare me for her lack of a fully formed body - poor guy, he had no idea. He told me that she was laying on the table in the next room and that if I needed any help, they would be happy to provide it. I entered that room and knew instantly that I was on holy ground and should remove my shoes. I walked barefoot up to where she laid and tears filled my eyes. I dressed my baby in her beautiful white dress and felt that her fingers on her hand tried to grab mine one last time. I was grateful for that. I laid my baby in her casket and kissed her goodbye before I closed the lid over her. Until we meet again!

I remember the generosity and kindness of so many - so many who didn't even know me. I remember the surprise I felt when I saw the number of people at the graveside services.

Because I remember I will not forget! I live my life now to make sure that I get back to Danielle and bring as many of my family as I can - even if it has to be kicking and screaming!! :)  I owe her that.

I love you so much, sweet Danielle!!!

Grandma Cutler 04 February 1928 - 19 March 2013

10 years since that fateful day

10 years, can it be? Oh yes, it can. Man, a lot has gone down in those years. What a ride! Bobby and I out on the four-wheeler, losing his hat and his checkbook, and enjoying the west desert sunset and stars. I know I was never the same again. I'm pretty sure I've had that effect on him as well.

Tomorrow is our six month wedding anniversary. Times a-flyin' by. I was going to get so much done and accomplish way more than I have. Ah well, I'm not dead yet!

I've picked up the plow - here's to not looking back!

A couple of months ago, I walked into the gym with my 44 oz. container in hand, ready to dump (or, let's be honest, quickly finish) my diet soda and fill it with water for my work out. My personal trainer, Dom, was standing there and asked, completely flabbergasted, "Is that soda?" I ashamedly admitted that yes, it was. He said, "you know that steals the calcium from your bones, right?" I replied that no, I did not know that. Maybe the truth is that I had an idea that it did but had never been told in such plain language. Previous to this time, I had been known to drink two and sometimes three of these monster 44 ouncers a day. Not only full of the bone killing carbonation but also full of caffeine and diet yuck stuff. I am confident that I was not doing myself any favors. I am indebted to Dom for boldly calling me to repentance. 


I have recently begun reading The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball. Wowwie!! Why did I wait so long to read this book??? It is fabulous and I have not a shred of pride left in me - well, unfortunately, there probably still is some. I've been particularly hard to live with, I think, because of how hard I am judging myself and judging others. I hope that you can forgive me for all that I've done wrong in my life. I'm not perfect at all. I want everyone to be able to feel the love of our Savior. I love you too.

At all times, in all things and in all places

Mother Nature's Bleeding Heart

No small task, let me tell you. As a mother, wife, daughter, sister, neighbor, friend, employee and customer, I find it rather difficult to always remember to stand as a witness of Christ at all times, in all things and in all places. I lose my temper on a regular basis. I have little mercy to give when it comes to people I don't understand. I try to be good but find myself wanting, always. And, in the midst of all of these inadequacies, I find myself surrounded by people and things who remind me to try harder, not to give up and to keep going. Wassup with that? oooooeeee Wassup with that? Was SUP with that? (SNL reference)

Dani

Today is one year since my little angel returned to Heavenly Father. I miss her so much! In life's ironies and funny twists and turns, I was starting to feel very sad this morning; my thoughts were all going rather negatively until I read something that my childhood idle, William Shatner, said. And I quote, "If you are healthy, if you're in a joyful state yourself, then all of life is funny. Taking the irony of what our final fate is from the very beginning - when you are born you become aware you're going to die - that awareness is itself absurd, so that given the right attitude, all of life can be humorous. It's something to aim for." Isn't it funny that you can find comfort in the strangest of places? For me, today, it was in the USA Weekend publication.

Two Months Tomorrow

Alexandra - now 8 weeks old - has her two month appointment on Wednesday. It seems like an eternity has gone by since I last posted - not that I've done all that much, just that I have been so removed from computer-land. Alex is asleep on my lap right now and I'm loving every second of it.

The pharmacist asked me tonight how my babies were. :o(

Danielle was amazing. I told her that I loved her all the time. Dr. Anderson reminded me that there aren't many people who can say that they've been loved every single day of their life. Danielle was loved SO much and she loved SO very much in return. I think that how she lived and for as long as she lived tells us all how much she loved us. I'm so grateful that I was able to spend those beautiful crazy eight days with her and I'm also grateful for all of you and your support and love.